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these made me chuckle
Topic Started: Oct 1 2017, 04:00 PM (330 Views)
Monty
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Charlie Big Banana's
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath Beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" It's still barking!
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

An Irish Family Tradition.
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

------------------------------ --------------------oOOo-(_)- oOOo----- ------------------------------ -------------------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard.."

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...
The driver won 52.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday.

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.."
If it aint sharp I can play with it
My Utube Channel, lots of bike vids here. Subscribe if you likehttp://www.youtube.com/user/choppermark?feature=watch

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UK Trev
Commoner
[ * ]
A foreign gentlemen who lives the other side of the Isle Of Man,(P.C.). rang the garage, after his new CCM broke down. After a few hours, the bike fired up and gently rumbled into action.

The foreign gentlemen, asked, "what was wrong with the bike?", the mechanic said, "not too much, just shit in the carb". The foreign gentlemen's response was, "How often?".
Edited by UK Trev, Oct 28 2017, 05:54 PM.
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